For most of my life i have ignored god...not with a real reason but just because it made me uncomfortable.Well it still does...infact it makes me squirm to write about it.I am almost looking over my shoulder to check if anyone is reading...sheesh !
I belong to one of those who in their teens thought it was too uncool to be the worshiping type...very behenji, looked down upon those who invoked gods for exams...so matlabi. But i also followed suite when saw everyone visiting siddhivinak before the boards.Dint want to be left out when god is handing out marks, after all it is large crowd of students , sure he wouldnt notice a non praying one.I did try to be sincere in my prayer trying follow methods of those around and i certainly did not blame him when i did not do too well.
As a child and as an adult i have loved mythology and festivals and wholeheartedly believe in them.So does that make me a believer in god or a non believer.If i am a believer then why cant i pray?
I have been to various holy shrines,tried squinting at stone idols in dark caverns of old temples( there was a time when i believed in the theory tha devotion certainly does no exsist in marble temples) in effort to bring tears of devotion, but no nothing worked.I envy those who can see that something divine in humans.I too looked but just saw a man.Where was i looking?I have tried again and again reading about what they preach( books often reach places in my heart where sight does not) but these were the only books along with self help books that can bore me to sleep..
Then i met my life partner who has the same outlook as me.That made me feel a little better atleast i wont rot in an atheist hell alone.Let me clarify here i do not believe i am an atheist just confused incase some one is sorting up there.But maybe on hindsight he could have been a wee bit religious, that would have made me tread a different path, at least i would have followed.Even i know that is just an excuse.
Now matters have worsened that i have a child. I want to induct her but in what,my confusion or indifference.I am still waiting for the divine intervention...
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ReplyDeleteexpected u to write like this on this topic.You have never been religious. Regarding Keya,u can inculcate in her certain things in her everyday life such as praying in the morning, before eating food,before going to bed,to recite common slokas.Then let her decide what she wants to follow when she grows old. Again in this respect i feel i did not inculcate these things in u.I think at this point u need to to go to a Guru whoever it may be to clear ur confusion.
ReplyDeleteah sailing in the same boat. i come from a family thats not big on rituals (which is what mostly equals religion). i do believe in God and have my one on ones with Him / her whenever its convenient! to me ofcos! ;)
ReplyDeletei dont blv in visiting temples (the meddling and greedy pujaris have put me off really badly)nor do i see a daily need for Pooja.
right now Cub is fairly clueless. i would like to teach him some basic mantrs / sholkas types and celebrate festivals etc and then let him decide.
but right now since its not really my personality time, it has just taken backseat as something unimportant. i think he will figure out his stand himself when he is old enough! :)
cheers!