To be or not to be …
One more year older and wiser.. I think a better word for wiser is more cynical.
Three years ago when I turned the the big 4 O I had presumed that onset of the Middle Ages would automatically make me wiser, more mature and letting go of my insecurities and vanities would come easily. After all I had just turned 40 and that meant all the superficial trappings of the 30’s were over.. So to BE or not to BE would be a no brainer.. Of course I had to ‘BE’.
Every time I googled how to BE I was told I would be a trend setter and that I could not let the world dictate terms , I had to take charge, I would empower women my age and I must go through with it.
And I lapped it all up. I knew it would do me good. I could let go of years of monotonous ritual, anxiety and fear of let it slip. I could be in the open finally with my head held high.
I could drag this narrative further but let me end the suspense. No no , I am not coming out of the closet or anything that dramatic. The question here is to be or not to be .. Gray! Grey haired I meant , in case you didn’t get my joke.
After years of coloring, hiding the peekaboo roots, organic hair color, henna , mehendi and everything in between I decided to end the madness. Let me tell you something.. I am not just salt and pepper or grey streaked.. I am grey with a vengeance, like pure Snow White grey.. if that is a thing.
I scrolled through gazillions of grey haired beauties.. much younger than me .. shattering glass ceilings everywhere. Inspired I decided to go grey.. I announced with much fanfare.. was vehemently supported by the husband and the kids..
1 inch down the road I got jitters and gave up..
I told myself I was after all just 40, it could wait .. I turned 41 and got a fresh start thanks to the lockdown.. Now I could not go to the salon anyways. So why not use this to go grey again.
This time I lasted for a whole 6 months.. I grew out a whole 2.5 inches .. WHAT just that much! At this rate it would take me 2-3 years to achieve what I wanted.
I contemplated taking a short cut and coloring my hair grey. But reality hit hard when I was told it would take 3 rounds of beaching to strip my hair and then color what would be left of it. Not to mention the cost.
But these 6 months were littered with constant obsession about my hair, crazy wig purchases to cover the awkward skunk phase, hair crayons, covering sprays and what not.. I was losing sleep over what was supposed to be liberating. My resolve wavered, I wanted to go dark again.
Once again I couldn’t decide to be or not to be .. this time black.. I would be such a failure. Out of the many who gave me second looks as I passed them , some patted my back for being so brave. Many were egging me to give up because I was too young to to do this.
I always fancied myself a rebel, was I letting myself down too?
At the end of the day my lazy self won over. Nothing that required this much effort and sanity to keep up with was worth it.
So I gave in and went over to the dark side. It was not that I cared what anyone thought of me. It was a completely internal struggle. And I realized I was not ready to be white for the rest of my life. I had still many colors to experiment ( only a hair color veteran would know how many shades of brown exist)
Looks like I haven’t reached that place of zen yet.. I am not yet ready to cut strings with my hair color. And I am HAPPY where I am . I found my peace in my failed attempts.
Now I have let the world see my insecurity and I have covered it up too..
The best part is I can be dark haired when I want.. let roots show every now and then because now I truly don’t care what shows. And In here I found my true liberation!
What egged me to write this today was that it was my birthday, I was dressed to paint the town teal ( not a fan of red) but with a streak of grey. My hand reached for that cover up stick.. once again I was faced with To Be or Not to Be.. And I decided to Be!!! …Me
Happy birthday to this 43 year old wiser me who can happily show her grey and be back to colored in a blink with no judgements on my self.
