For most of my life i have ignored god...not with a real reason but just because it made me uncomfortable.Well it still does...infact it makes me squirm to write about it.I am almost looking over my shoulder to check if anyone is reading...sheesh !
I belong to one of those who in their teens thought it was too uncool to be the worshiping type...very behenji, looked down upon those who invoked gods for exams...so matlabi. But i also followed suite when saw everyone visiting siddhivinak before the boards.Dint want to be left out when god is handing out marks, after all it is large crowd of students , sure he wouldnt notice a non praying one.I did try to be sincere in my prayer trying follow methods of those around and i certainly did not blame him when i did not do too well.
As a child and as an adult i have loved mythology and festivals and wholeheartedly believe in them.So does that make me a believer in god or a non believer.If i am a believer then why cant i pray?
I have been to various holy shrines,tried squinting at stone idols in dark caverns of old temples( there was a time when i believed in the theory tha devotion certainly does no exsist in marble temples) in effort to bring tears of devotion, but no nothing worked.I envy those who can see that something divine in humans.I too looked but just saw a man.Where was i looking?I have tried again and again reading about what they preach( books often reach places in my heart where sight does not) but these were the only books along with self help books that can bore me to sleep..
Then i met my life partner who has the same outlook as me.That made me feel a little better atleast i wont rot in an atheist hell alone.Let me clarify here i do not believe i am an atheist just confused incase some one is sorting up there.But maybe on hindsight he could have been a wee bit religious, that would have made me tread a different path, at least i would have followed.Even i know that is just an excuse.
Now matters have worsened that i have a child. I want to induct her but in what,my confusion or indifference.I am still waiting for the divine intervention...
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
LOST
I have always been a big fan of real life mini stories that would appear in Woman's era in a column called 'It happened to me' (actually my fav column used to be personal column..not very relevant now)...Its been years since i read that mag, but that is what i can think of now after my real life episode...
My adventure began last week...no actually a few months ago when i decided to fly low cost to Chennai...It is impossible to ignore the flashing red ads of the super cheap airfares screaming up at us from the comp screen...To be honest only after we have logged it to their website.Nonetheless we too took the bait as i was super excited to attend my cousins wedding..Which meant meeting my entire family after many years..I got my tickets really cheap months before the actual travel.This low cost airlines offered me the travel at half the price, all i had to do was check in again at my transit airport...it sounded simple initially...i hardly even heard the details of the trip quoted by V as i was already planing what i would wear for the wedding...as the day of travel neared i opened my inbox to check my itinerary and fell out of my seat when i got to know i had to wait at the transit stop for 8hrs..through the night...Which meant that i had to stay at an airport from 10.30 in the night to 6.30 am with Keya..
Anyone who knows Keya knows what a task i had at hand...The night before travel i had the jitters...V kept assuring me of lounge facilities,but i was skeptical all through...
But to be fair to V , i wanted to do it...i love being able to do stuff all by myself...especially traveling and scorn those people who are scared of traveling alone...though all this bravado usually falls apart when keya throws a tantrum and i am feverently left wishing for some company other than passing strangers tutting and muttering about not being able to handle brats...
Anyway armed with the excitement of the destination and the pride which i would feel in accomplishing the task without any hitch made me go ahead...I would though grumble about it only in front of V...
All those who know me also know my love for independence and lack of fear which sounds really pompous right now but is what kept me sane when i was in that mess...i must thank my mom at this point simply because she refused to hug me when i was in trouble...instead i always got" sheniane...did u have to this now" This was the case even when i was sick...she looked after me in a very brusque and efficient manner which to date i feel most comforted in...hate the u poor thing attitude though i have learned to like that too now.
Anyway i did manage my trip to Chennai quite well with no mishaps and an almost well behaved Keya...She did get cranky in the last few hours of the journey, but i expected a lot worse from her.
The most difficult part of traveling overseas by plane are the stupid arrival and departure cards you need to fill all the time....how the hell are u supposed to do it with a two year old who wont stay still...by the time i am checking my passport to write details she has already run across the immigration counter....taking the risk of leaving my bags on the floor i have to run across to drag her back.
So this time ( on my way back) i was totally armed for the mission with a packet of gems, which she promptly spilled on the floor and sat down in utmost concentration to return them back to the box...That gave me time to fill the forms and go to the transit visa counter successfully.After waiting for 10 mts, lauding myself on the clever manouver with keya i returned back to the counter to pick up the passports.Out of the corner of my eye i can see that she is finished with her gems and is going to take off soon...i hurriedly collect my passports, stuff it into the purse, collect my bags and run to catch the fugitive, who cheerfully accompanies me on my way to the formidable immigration officer ( why do these immigration officers look so sour all the time...they must go through rigorous training to look bored, superior, intimidating and nasty at the same time)when i realize i have to get out my documents again.
So i open the purse and am shocked to see only one passport, for a second i forget to breathe and look again...confirming my worst fear.
I run back dragging keya, bags n all to the previous counter which is hardly 10 feet away...but no sign of a fallen passport.I sit down to search my bags, in my head i can almost hear V telling me to not panic and look through thoroughly, which i do at least that's what i think.
Now i am absolutely hysterical...i run to the visa guy and he tells me he gave me both passports.
I dump my bags on some seats and run with Keya in tow retracing my steps...but no luck..
Frantically i run back to the officer who comes out to search with me, another officer asks me search again and also helps in going through my bags..but no luck
My chest hurts as i struggle to remain calm...my main fear that i should not lose sight of keya in this mess.Suddenly i am feeling so alone and i notice that all those who came to help me are all gone, back to their tables looking as nonchalant as ever, like nothing has happened, no one has a word to say what i should do, where to go....i am on the verge of a breakdown , i can think of only one person to reach out -V
I call him almost hysterically, surprisingly he doesnt panic and most matter of factly asks me to look again and call him back..
I can almost hear the blood rushing back to my head and sit down, take a deep breath and look again desperately hoping to find it..but no...
What next i do not know...i see these two women instructing the crowd at the foreign worker section...so i approach them to ask if they have seen a passport somewhere or do they know the lost and found...they stare at me shocked...like i have asked them the way to the moon...
Their expressions make me sink even lower..
They start conversing amongst themselves in tamil. Hearing your mother tongue in a foreign land has an effect like i cant explain....its like water to parched lips...i am getting poetical but that is exactly how i felt...Instantly i broke in between their talk in tamil, the camaraderie is instantaneous...They took me to a corner and asked me where i lost it and helped look. They also spoke to the grumpy immigration officer in local dialect as to what i should do.
What they told me then gave me a nasty shock...they said if couldnt find my passport i would be deported back to India.
With the directions to the immigration office i numbly walked away, all the relief washing away
As i sat in the queue outside the office with other visa rejects waiting for my turn all i could think was when people back home would get to know they would label me careless, absentminded as i have always been but i know this time it was not that, i did not lose it.
I must add a big note about the excellent situation management by V.He kept texting me , recharging my phone, calling people to ask whats to be done.
Also a big mention about the officers whom i dealt with, they were helpful but in such a cold manner that made me feel like a criminal.I was even told that i would have been put in a detention cell if i and not been with a child
When i told V about my deportation to India what he said after that gave me the strength i needed..He was coming by the next flight and would come with me to India as well.
What i fail to understand is that the procedure to deport me need not have taken7 hours.
I was waiting in that corridor for 7 hours with a child, no one offering me any sympathy or water
Occasionally someone would come to me ask for some details and walk away and ignore me altogether.
I am sure i was not the first one to approach them with a lost passport case, i am sure they knew the procedures it required, but still they chose let me hang in suspense.Is it because of dealing with unlawful immigrants all the time they take so much pleasure in making you squirm on the edge of your seat.
I spent 7 hours in that little corridor waiting for my fate to be decided,i didnt feel as miserable as when i saw little Keya playing by herself jumping on the plastic chairs or rolling on the dirty floor under them.I felt so guilty to see her go through this shit and not even be aware of it. She was already away from home for a whole day with no proper meals and no place to lie down.Had she complained and whined i might have not felt so bad but unusual for her she actually behaved the entire time.i had already spent so many hours but the 1 1/2 hours waiting for V to arrive were the longest.
But troubles werent ending, just then the officer came up to me saying that my flight to India was booked for 6.30 next morning and i had to wait in the departure lounge.As they escorted me to the gates ( i felt like a prisoner) through the runway area i realized i will not be meeting V as he would have to come in through the regular route and for him to check in this flight would be 5 in the morning.That was probably a bigger shock than losing my passport.As i waited at the gates, i saw V's plane arrive and saw him walk away, but on the other side of the glass, all we could do was wave.
Determined to make things better for keya i checked in to the premier lounge.Paying money to get into that place atleast made me feel better than a criminal that i was made to feel all through.Money does balm some humiliation i guess. V checked into the other part of the lounge and we had to be content seeing each other through the window, texting messages( my balance was down to zero)...here i must say a special thanks to 3G phones
I have never been a fan of these things often cursing them but thanks to them i managed to remain i touch with the world through WiFi.
We had an uneventful night, i massaged my guilt as Keya slept on the sofa comfortably.I had no place for sleep as i anxiously watched the clock to turn 5.
This is probably the most filmy thing that could have ever happened to me...as i watched V come in to my side of the lounge i literally flung myself into his arms sobbing( yes, i cried).I wished i had a video of that embarrassing moment , i think i prefer to forget that bit.
V decides to make a last bid for my lost passport.So he goes up to the immigration counter ( they shift has changed, so they dont recognize us) and casually asks if they have seen this passport and miracles of miracles they say they have it..
Once again we find ourselves in the same corridor ( i am trying not to gag) waiting for my deportation to be canceled...I am trying not to listen to the officers going on about the trouble i have caused them...i am too tired to argue, also i have a sleeping Keya in my arms.
What i never got to know was whether i had dropped it somewhere and it was founf or was it lying with them and they had not noticed...Guess what- i dont want to know... i am firm believer of all is well that ends well and i cant wait to put this behind me..
We were thrilled to recover my lost document,( it saved me a lot of hassles of making a new one) but V and i had already planned a little holiday in our heads in India till we waited for my new documents...A bitter sweet disappointment..
As i write this down i cant help but relive every bit of emotion i went through...and this is the last time i want to do it...
But what i want to remember always is how my best friend saw me through this and pulled me out of it.Love you Superman
Its fun to read about someone not so thrilling to be that someone...but i think if i dont record this experience i shall have faint memories with none of the despair i went through
My adventure began last week...no actually a few months ago when i decided to fly low cost to Chennai...It is impossible to ignore the flashing red ads of the super cheap airfares screaming up at us from the comp screen...To be honest only after we have logged it to their website.Nonetheless we too took the bait as i was super excited to attend my cousins wedding..Which meant meeting my entire family after many years..I got my tickets really cheap months before the actual travel.This low cost airlines offered me the travel at half the price, all i had to do was check in again at my transit airport...it sounded simple initially...i hardly even heard the details of the trip quoted by V as i was already planing what i would wear for the wedding...as the day of travel neared i opened my inbox to check my itinerary and fell out of my seat when i got to know i had to wait at the transit stop for 8hrs..through the night...Which meant that i had to stay at an airport from 10.30 in the night to 6.30 am with Keya..
Anyone who knows Keya knows what a task i had at hand...The night before travel i had the jitters...V kept assuring me of lounge facilities,but i was skeptical all through...
But to be fair to V , i wanted to do it...i love being able to do stuff all by myself...especially traveling and scorn those people who are scared of traveling alone...though all this bravado usually falls apart when keya throws a tantrum and i am feverently left wishing for some company other than passing strangers tutting and muttering about not being able to handle brats...
Anyway armed with the excitement of the destination and the pride which i would feel in accomplishing the task without any hitch made me go ahead...I would though grumble about it only in front of V...
All those who know me also know my love for independence and lack of fear which sounds really pompous right now but is what kept me sane when i was in that mess...i must thank my mom at this point simply because she refused to hug me when i was in trouble...instead i always got" sheniane...did u have to this now" This was the case even when i was sick...she looked after me in a very brusque and efficient manner which to date i feel most comforted in...hate the u poor thing attitude though i have learned to like that too now.
Anyway i did manage my trip to Chennai quite well with no mishaps and an almost well behaved Keya...She did get cranky in the last few hours of the journey, but i expected a lot worse from her.
The most difficult part of traveling overseas by plane are the stupid arrival and departure cards you need to fill all the time....how the hell are u supposed to do it with a two year old who wont stay still...by the time i am checking my passport to write details she has already run across the immigration counter....taking the risk of leaving my bags on the floor i have to run across to drag her back.
So this time ( on my way back) i was totally armed for the mission with a packet of gems, which she promptly spilled on the floor and sat down in utmost concentration to return them back to the box...That gave me time to fill the forms and go to the transit visa counter successfully.After waiting for 10 mts, lauding myself on the clever manouver with keya i returned back to the counter to pick up the passports.Out of the corner of my eye i can see that she is finished with her gems and is going to take off soon...i hurriedly collect my passports, stuff it into the purse, collect my bags and run to catch the fugitive, who cheerfully accompanies me on my way to the formidable immigration officer ( why do these immigration officers look so sour all the time...they must go through rigorous training to look bored, superior, intimidating and nasty at the same time)when i realize i have to get out my documents again.
So i open the purse and am shocked to see only one passport, for a second i forget to breathe and look again...confirming my worst fear.
I run back dragging keya, bags n all to the previous counter which is hardly 10 feet away...but no sign of a fallen passport.I sit down to search my bags, in my head i can almost hear V telling me to not panic and look through thoroughly, which i do at least that's what i think.
Now i am absolutely hysterical...i run to the visa guy and he tells me he gave me both passports.
I dump my bags on some seats and run with Keya in tow retracing my steps...but no luck..
Frantically i run back to the officer who comes out to search with me, another officer asks me search again and also helps in going through my bags..but no luck
My chest hurts as i struggle to remain calm...my main fear that i should not lose sight of keya in this mess.Suddenly i am feeling so alone and i notice that all those who came to help me are all gone, back to their tables looking as nonchalant as ever, like nothing has happened, no one has a word to say what i should do, where to go....i am on the verge of a breakdown , i can think of only one person to reach out -V
I call him almost hysterically, surprisingly he doesnt panic and most matter of factly asks me to look again and call him back..
I can almost hear the blood rushing back to my head and sit down, take a deep breath and look again desperately hoping to find it..but no...
What next i do not know...i see these two women instructing the crowd at the foreign worker section...so i approach them to ask if they have seen a passport somewhere or do they know the lost and found...they stare at me shocked...like i have asked them the way to the moon...
Their expressions make me sink even lower..
They start conversing amongst themselves in tamil. Hearing your mother tongue in a foreign land has an effect like i cant explain....its like water to parched lips...i am getting poetical but that is exactly how i felt...Instantly i broke in between their talk in tamil, the camaraderie is instantaneous...They took me to a corner and asked me where i lost it and helped look. They also spoke to the grumpy immigration officer in local dialect as to what i should do.
What they told me then gave me a nasty shock...they said if couldnt find my passport i would be deported back to India.
With the directions to the immigration office i numbly walked away, all the relief washing away
As i sat in the queue outside the office with other visa rejects waiting for my turn all i could think was when people back home would get to know they would label me careless, absentminded as i have always been but i know this time it was not that, i did not lose it.
I must add a big note about the excellent situation management by V.He kept texting me , recharging my phone, calling people to ask whats to be done.
Also a big mention about the officers whom i dealt with, they were helpful but in such a cold manner that made me feel like a criminal.I was even told that i would have been put in a detention cell if i and not been with a child
When i told V about my deportation to India what he said after that gave me the strength i needed..He was coming by the next flight and would come with me to India as well.
What i fail to understand is that the procedure to deport me need not have taken7 hours.
I was waiting in that corridor for 7 hours with a child, no one offering me any sympathy or water
Occasionally someone would come to me ask for some details and walk away and ignore me altogether.
I am sure i was not the first one to approach them with a lost passport case, i am sure they knew the procedures it required, but still they chose let me hang in suspense.Is it because of dealing with unlawful immigrants all the time they take so much pleasure in making you squirm on the edge of your seat.
I spent 7 hours in that little corridor waiting for my fate to be decided,i didnt feel as miserable as when i saw little Keya playing by herself jumping on the plastic chairs or rolling on the dirty floor under them.I felt so guilty to see her go through this shit and not even be aware of it. She was already away from home for a whole day with no proper meals and no place to lie down.Had she complained and whined i might have not felt so bad but unusual for her she actually behaved the entire time.i had already spent so many hours but the 1 1/2 hours waiting for V to arrive were the longest.
But troubles werent ending, just then the officer came up to me saying that my flight to India was booked for 6.30 next morning and i had to wait in the departure lounge.As they escorted me to the gates ( i felt like a prisoner) through the runway area i realized i will not be meeting V as he would have to come in through the regular route and for him to check in this flight would be 5 in the morning.That was probably a bigger shock than losing my passport.As i waited at the gates, i saw V's plane arrive and saw him walk away, but on the other side of the glass, all we could do was wave.
Determined to make things better for keya i checked in to the premier lounge.Paying money to get into that place atleast made me feel better than a criminal that i was made to feel all through.Money does balm some humiliation i guess. V checked into the other part of the lounge and we had to be content seeing each other through the window, texting messages( my balance was down to zero)...here i must say a special thanks to 3G phones
I have never been a fan of these things often cursing them but thanks to them i managed to remain i touch with the world through WiFi.
We had an uneventful night, i massaged my guilt as Keya slept on the sofa comfortably.I had no place for sleep as i anxiously watched the clock to turn 5.
This is probably the most filmy thing that could have ever happened to me...as i watched V come in to my side of the lounge i literally flung myself into his arms sobbing( yes, i cried).I wished i had a video of that embarrassing moment , i think i prefer to forget that bit.
V decides to make a last bid for my lost passport.So he goes up to the immigration counter ( they shift has changed, so they dont recognize us) and casually asks if they have seen this passport and miracles of miracles they say they have it..
Once again we find ourselves in the same corridor ( i am trying not to gag) waiting for my deportation to be canceled...I am trying not to listen to the officers going on about the trouble i have caused them...i am too tired to argue, also i have a sleeping Keya in my arms.
What i never got to know was whether i had dropped it somewhere and it was founf or was it lying with them and they had not noticed...Guess what- i dont want to know... i am firm believer of all is well that ends well and i cant wait to put this behind me..
We were thrilled to recover my lost document,( it saved me a lot of hassles of making a new one) but V and i had already planned a little holiday in our heads in India till we waited for my new documents...A bitter sweet disappointment..
As i write this down i cant help but relive every bit of emotion i went through...and this is the last time i want to do it...
But what i want to remember always is how my best friend saw me through this and pulled me out of it.Love you Superman
Monday, July 12, 2010
screaming mommy
When i was on the way to becoming a mom i geared up in the way i knew the best...read up...and read up i did..i also ushered the age of reality shows in my life...so i saw real life birthing videos and soon became a big fan of super nanny ( in case u dont know abut this show just take a wild guess)...then after little K was born i read on new borns...for every sneeze i would rush for a comforting book...i am sure i was sniggered at by all the oldies around me...now that K is a toddler i find i have no books to help... and time and again all those experts opinions are thrown out of the window by my little fire brand ...
i am often told by maama ' lower down ur tone" and the next time, i hear the perfectly calm father losing his cool at K...
why cant i do things like super nanny or the as the books say ' explain calmly and patiently no matter how loudly ur kid is crying...' i am sure those experts have never really tried it and
i am often found yelling like a banshee
i have a snide voice telling me in my head i sound just like my mom...well she had read no books on child raising and was all hands and screams..i had vowed to do it differently...hah!!
Conclusion: toddlers can make any normal person pop a vein and books can get you only this far...so just scream away anyway they arent listening!! and do continue reading those books ...even if it is just for fun!!
i am often told by maama ' lower down ur tone" and the next time, i hear the perfectly calm father losing his cool at K...
why cant i do things like super nanny or the as the books say ' explain calmly and patiently no matter how loudly ur kid is crying...' i am sure those experts have never really tried it and
i am often found yelling like a banshee
i have a snide voice telling me in my head i sound just like my mom...well she had read no books on child raising and was all hands and screams..i had vowed to do it differently...hah!!
Conclusion: toddlers can make any normal person pop a vein and books can get you only this far...so just scream away anyway they arent listening!! and do continue reading those books ...even if it is just for fun!!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
is this the way to do it??
i am a very late entrant to this blog world ( sheepishly admitting my poor net savyness) and i am still figuring out how this works...is this like writing a diary and letting ppl see it...the point being? but since my motor skills for holding a pen are just as rusty i guess this is a better way
My hubby ( Maama) thought i should blog..eeeps i will have to admit i dont know what to do...so i did the next best thing...defiantly said i dont need to... i prefer writing the old fashioned way and why should i blog...i am no celeb...no one wants to read what i write...
After hours of silent contemplation and self admission that i havent written a word since i passed out of college i decided to check out this blog thingie
still figuring out what to write...
My hubby ( Maama) thought i should blog..eeeps i will have to admit i dont know what to do...so i did the next best thing...defiantly said i dont need to... i prefer writing the old fashioned way and why should i blog...i am no celeb...no one wants to read what i write...
After hours of silent contemplation and self admission that i havent written a word since i passed out of college i decided to check out this blog thingie
still figuring out what to write...
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